Wolverine Verses The Vacuum Cleaner
by Red Witch
Summary: Logan learns that one of the scariest things in the world is housework.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters has been sucked up by a Hoover. Just more madness that came from the dust bunnies of my brain. **

**Wolverine Verses The Vacuum Cleaner**

"In the words of Iceman: This sucks," Logan growled.

"I believe that is the purpose of a vacuum cleaner," Hank looked at him wryly. "To **suck up** dirt, dust, food crumbs or any unwanted particles of matter…"

"Don't try to be cute with me Beast," Logan grunted. "You ain't good at it."

"Come on Logan a little housework won't kill you," Hank folded his arms as Logan dragged the vacuum cleaner into the living room.

"No, but I will kill certain people around here if they think I'm gonna do this again!" Logan snapped. "Like I don't have **enough** to do around here? I'm already a teacher, martial arts instructor, security guard, babysitter, chauffer, child wrangler and on occasional guinea pig for whatever stupid idea, invention or the Half Pint's cooking! I am not adding **maid** to my resume!"

"Logan you know we all have to pitch in to do domestic chores around the house," Hank said.

"Then let me do the gardening where I can cut things up!" Logan shot out his claws for a second before retracting them. "Why do I have to vacuum the stupid living room?"

"Because there's enough crumbs on the floor to attract a month's worth of food for Toad," Hank gave him a look. "Not to mention some serious dust bunnies under the couch."

"I'm gonna seriously have a talk with Charles and tell him what he can do with his stupid…" Logan grumbled. "How the hell do you turn this thing on again?"

"Logan you **have** used a vacuum cleaner before haven't you?" Hank asked. "I mean how did you clean your own room?"

"Simple, by getting some kid who misbehaved and make him do it," Logan grunted.

"Ah, child labor," Hank quipped. "The last resort of the desperate."

"I don't know why we just can't wait until the kids come home from school and make them clean up their own messes," Logan barked.

"Because after last weekend's unauthorized level twelve Danger Room session it was either have you take over some of the students' chores for a while or face a full fledged mutiny," Hank explained.

"I don't know what the big fuss was about!" Logan grunted as he studied the vacuum. "Kids like video games! I was just trying to make it more interesting and fun."

"If by interesting you mean having the students fight a twenty foot tall gorilla throwing explosive barrels at them for three hours straight and by fun you mean psychological scarring then yes, you accomplished your goal," Hank gave him a look.

"You're just mad because I made the gorilla look like you."

"Where do you think the students got the **idea** for the mutiny in the first place?"

"I bet it was your idea to make me do this stupid thing too wasn't it?" Logan grunted. "Here's that blasted off button. All right. What the…? It's not working! Come on! This stupid thing doesn't work!"

"Uh if I may make a tiny suggestion…" Hank began.

"What the hell is wrong with this thing?" Logan examined it and shook it. Then pushed the button again. "Great! This piece of crap doesn't even work!"

"Well that's because…"

"Maybe it's this button you're supposed to hit?" Logan grunted as he fooled around again. "No! That doesn't work!"

"I think the reason it may not be operating properly is…"

"Beast will you cut out your blabbering for a minute so I can find out what's wrong with the stupid thing?" Logan snapped.

"I was merely trying to advise you…" Hank began.

"Listen McCoy when it comes to chemistry and computers I'd listen," Logan said. "But hardware is my thing! If I can build a bike with my bare hands and upgrade the Velocity blindfolded, I think I can figure out a stupid vacuum cleaner!"

"As you wish," Hank held up his hands. "But for the record you might want to consider…"

"Zip it!" Logan growled. "Now where the heck is the on button on this thing? It's not even labeled! Try this…This…Okay…No….THIS STUPID PIECE OF CRAP! I HIT EVERY SINGLE BUTTON ON THIS THING AND IT DOESN'T EVEN WORK! AGGGGH!"

He shot out his claws and sliced into it. Of course there was some dust in there so he was sprayed with dust. "AAGKH! Stupid thing!"

"That was mature," Hank said.

"It was busted anyway! Doesn't even work!" Logan spat out more dirt.

Hank casually bent down and pulled out a retractable cord from the back of the machine. "I believe these particular appliances work better if you **plug **them in."

Logan gave him a look. "I'm getting another one. Where are they?"

"There's another vacuum in the hall closet," Hank said casually. Logan stomped out. Then he stomped back in with another vacuum. "Good you have a vacuum cleaner to clean up the vacuum cleaner."

"Oh shut up and get out of my way," Logan plugged it in and turned it on. Nothing. "What the? Now what's wrong with _this one?_ I can't believe it! Nothing works in this…" He swore under his breath and struggled to fix it. "Wait, there's **another** plug on this thing? Where does this one go? It's short and…"

Logan yanked on it so hard it not only came out it took out the top half of the vacuum cleaner. "Well it was a piece of crap anyway," He grumbled.

"Third times a charm," Hank said cheerfully.

"Fine! I saw another one in that closet anyway!" Logan sliced the vacuum cleaner and stormed off. He came back with an old upright vacuum. "**This **should work!"

"Uh Logan wait I wouldn't use that one," Hank said. "You see…"

"I know what I'm doing Beast!" Logan turned it on. It hummed for a moment and then exploded. The next thing Logan knew he was covered in a pile of dust.

"I tried to tell you. That one actually **was** broken," Hank shrugged. "Kurt was fooling around with it the other day. Trying to ride it on a dare. And Ray was trying to hot wire it for more power and I think you can pretty much figure where this is going."

"I am going to get a beer," Logan growled. "Then I am going to try this again! I am going to find a vacuum that works in this dump even if it kills me!" He stormed off.

"Keep going I'm sure you'll get it right eventually," Hank smiled.

An hour later Xavier, Ororo and Scott returned from the store and saw an unusual sight in the living room. "What the devil…?" Xavier's jaw dropped.

The living room looked worse than before, dust was everywhere and pieces of slashed and broken vacuum cleaners were all over the place. "Welcome to the Land of the Broken Vacuum Cleaners," Hank quipped. "Otherwise known as Tuesday."

"It looks like Dust Bunny Heaven in here," Scott said.

"What happened?" Ororo asked.

"Wolverine, vacuum cleaners and impatience with cleaning appliances," Hank gave her a look. "What more of an explanation do you need?"

"It looks like he clawed apart every vacuum cleaner in the mansion!" Scott said.

"Not **every **vacuum cleaner," Hank said.

"STUPID FREAKING…AAAGGGHHH!"

SNIKT!

SLASH! SLASH!

"**Now** he's gutted every vacuum cleaner we have," Hank said.

"Do I really want to know?" Xavier sighed rubbing his head.

SLASH!

"I could just show you the highlight reel later," Hank quipped. "I recorded most of it on the security system cameras."

"FREAKING FRAKKING…$$$###### %$$$$!"

"Of course I may have to edit it a bit if we want to show it to the students," Hank remarked.

"And while all this was going on, it never occurred to you to **help** him?" Ororo asked.

"It occurred to me," Hank said. "Then I thought of all the times he annoyed me and I figured why not just sit back and watch the fun? Besides there's precious little entertainment around here while the students are at school. Why waste it?"

CRASH!

A piece of vacuum cleaner sailed through the room. "Instead you let him **waste **our _cleaning supplies?"_ Ororo shouted.

"Scott…" Xavier winced.

"I'll call the usual stores and see if we can get a delivery by the end of the day," Scott said. "How many do we need to replace?"

CRASH!

"Sixteen but better make it an even twenty just in case," Xavier sighed.

"Got it," Scott said as he went to make the call.

"And now Wolverine is going to _get it,"_ Ororo gritted her teeth.

"Storm I'm going to need your assistance here first," Xavier pointed to the piles of dust everywhere.

"You can't be serious?" Ororo gave him a look.

"Well we'd use those disposable towels you stick on the end of a mop but we're out of all of them after this morning's exploding omelet incident," Hank said. "I don't know why Bobby keeps saying stupid things to Tabitha. You think he would know better by now?"

"Speaking of _knowing better_," Ororo used her powers to lightly blow the air around and pick up the dirty. "I know just what to do with this!" She went into the next room. "LOGAN!"

"Charles you know that little rule we have banning Kitty from ever cooking dinner?" Hank asked.

"Yes," Xavier sighed, knowing where this was going.

"I suggest we make a similar one for Logan and vacuum cleaners," Hank suggested.

"STORM! STOP BLOWING ALL THAT DUST UP MY NOSE! AACCHOOOOO! CUT IT OUT! ACHOOOOO!"

"We should also extend that vacuum ban to Ororo," Hank winced. "Just in case."

"This just…sucks," Xavier groaned.


End file.
